Lindsay Clancy’s diary from the months earlier than she strangled her three younger children revealed the darkish ideas and internal torment she struggled with — together with as soon as telling her husband, “I need to die” in response to listening to her child’s cries throughout sleep coaching.
The 35-year-old former labor and supply nurse detailed within the journal her postpartum melancholy, anxiousness, insomnia and being wracked with guilt over how she was elevating 8-month-old Callan.
She wrote within the diary that she had “horrible PTSD from sleep coaching Callan” and felt horrible that she needed to cease breastfeeding him, in line with excepts of the journal learn to a jury Monday at her homicide trial.
“Listening to [Callan] cry for one plus hours and never intervening nearly killed me,” she wrote.
“I even stated the phrases, ‘I need to die’ to Pat whereas [Callan] was crying,” Clancy wrote, referring to her then-husband, Patrick Clancy.
“After that, I turned obsessed together with his sleep and nap schedule, to the minute,” Clancy wrote.
She even anxious the sleep coaching was “abusive” however later stated it was the appropriate determination.
Clancy felt “extremely unhappy and responsible about not breastfeeding anymore,” however she famous the selection to cease nursing was for “my psychological well being.”
She additionally stated she was “afraid of Callan getting sick” and added, “He’s a sick child” who wasn’t “actually hitting his milestones.”
Clancy made entries from Oct. 13, 2022 by means of Jan. 18, 2023 — 5 days earlier than she strangled Cora, 5, Dawson, 3, and Callan with train bands of their Duxbury, Mass., dwelling.
Clancy then slit her wrists and neck and threw herself from her upstairs bed room window. She is now partially paralyzed and seems in courtroom in a wheelchair.
The excerpts have been learn out through the testimony of Massachusetts State Trooper Cory Melo, who collected and reviewed the diary, together with different journals, from Clancy’s dwelling.
“I’m utterly overwhelmed caring for the three children. I really feel like I’m drowning,” she wrote in the identical journal.
“It’s like I’m so determined to get a psychological break from caring for everybody that my thoughts is attempting to make one thing bodily flawed with me,” she wrote on Nov. 18, 2022.
She stated she had “horrible insomnia and anxiousness” and wished to return to work however didn’t “understand how I’m going to perform,” noting her “mind fog.”
“I really feel disconnected with myself,” one passage learn.
“My thoughts by no means shuts off,” she stated.
“I don’t know what’s flawed with me. I need to get assist. I need to be nicely,” the journal learn.
She additionally felt guilt over her relationship with Patrick and about spending extra money than they have been making.
Clancy’s trial will rise and fall on what the jury believes about her psychological state on the time of the killings. Prosecutors declare she was in her proper thoughts and thoroughly deliberate and executed out the murders as a result of she was uninterested in caring for the youngsters.
However Clancy’s lawyer, Kevin Reddington needs the jury to seek out her not responsible by cause of madness, on the grounds she was affected by extreme postpartum psychosis. He additionally claims Clancy heard a voice telling her to hold out the heinous acts.
Clancy and Patrick — who has since remarried — filed separate lawsuits in opposition to the docs who handled her within the months earlier than the slayings, claiming they misdiagnosed and overmedicated her.
The jury has heard testimony that Clancy noticed 5 totally different docs within the 4 months previous to the killings and had been prescribed 15 totally different psychiatric drugs throughout that point, with six in her system on the time of the murders.
She additionally had two stints within the hospital for suicidal ideas and had advised Patrick and her mom she had ideas about harming the youngsters, within the months earlier than, in line with testimony.
The jury was additionally proven entries of one other journal Clancy stored, meticulously detailing the drugs she took every day and her temper and uncomfortable side effects.
“Horrible intrusive ideas,” she wrote in an entry from Dec. 9, 2022, after noting she took 5 mg of anti-anxiety treatment Valium and 100 mg of antipsychotic treatment Seroquel.
The jury has heard from a number of toxicologists that testified Clancy had two antidepressants, two anti-psychotics and two anti-anxiety drugs in system after the killings.
The trial is at the moment in its second week and jurors have heard from 45 witnesses to this point, together with gutting testimony from first responders who found the kids’s lifeless our bodies and the docs who desperately tried to revive the youngsters.
Patrick additionally testified for 2 days and Clancy wept when the jury heard a recording of his 911 name, screaming in anguish, “She killed the youngsters!”
If you’re scuffling with suicidal ideas or are experiencing a psychological well being disaster and stay in New York Metropolis, you’ll be able to name 1-888-NYC-WELL at no cost and confidential disaster counseling. For those who stay exterior the 5 boroughs, you’ll be able to dial the 24/7 Nationwide Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.
