Throughout NYC, eldest daughters are assembly as much as unpack the strain they are saying by no means actually went away.
The “eldest daughter” isn’t just the one born first.
She’s the one diffusing group chat meltdowns, remembering each member of the family’s birthday, and absorbing everybody else’s feelings prefer it’s a full-time job.
The one distinction? Now she’s doing it as an grownup whereas paying Gotham lease, working nine-to-five, and juggling a calendar that rivals a CEO’s.
That quiet, lifelong job description is one thing extra NYC girls are lastly naming — and now, bonding over.
Enter “Eldest Daughter Membership,” a neighborhood based by Manhattanite Sherri Lu that’s turning an unstated identification right into a shared one.
“Again in 2022, I couldn’t discover anybody who was actually analyzing eldest daughters and the expertise of being one on-line,” the Gen Zer, who’s the eldest daughter in an immigrant household, advised The Submit. “… Being an eldest daughter is like having to steadiness extra daughter expectations — however they’re intensified. You’re like a ‘second mother’,” Lu mentioned.
“I simply needed to know this a part of my identification and discover different eldest daughters to speak to, and that’s the place the thought of the Eldest Daughter Membership in New York Metropolis got here to be.”
What began as memes and half-joking TikToks about burnout and an “eldest daughter curse” has advanced into one thing actual: packed in-person meetups, digital discussions, a e-newsletter (that 6,300 individuals subscribe to) by Lu, and even an unofficial vacation (that’s now each August 26).
“There’s Mom’s Day, there’s Father’s Day — however I believe massive sisters deserve actual recognition too,” she mentioned.
Now, by means of park gatherings, picnics, group walks, and panel-style occasions — drawing as much as 100 attendees at a time all year long — together with month-to-month digital get-togethers, Lu has constructed an area the place girls can brazenly share their experiences, one thing many say they’ve by no means had earlier than.
“It’s a secure, supported and therapeutic area for large sisters,” she mentioned, “particularly when these aren’t straightforward conversations to have with individuals who don’t get it.”
Attendees say the group’s influence may be instant — from setting long-avoided boundaries with their households to lastly making massive life choices with out guilt.
“Individuals who come to Eldest Daughter Membership occasions inform me that the group helped them perceive themselves on a deeper stage, rethink their identities, and bond over childhood experiences they’d hardly ever talked about earlier than,” she mentioned.
Gigi Robinson, 27, of Riverdale, the Bronx, can relate. She says the strain of being the eldest daughter didn’t cease at childhood, however adopted her straight into maturity.
“As an eldest daughter, I grew to become a power over-doer and a do-it-myself woman — that’s the starter pack,” she advised The Submit.
“You study to handle the room, anticipate what’s wanted, and maintain issues shifting earlier than anybody has to ask.”
As a child, she mentioned that this appears to be like like being accountable. As an grownup, “it turns into the working system in your complete profession.”
Tsao-Lin Moy, 61, a local New Yorker and first-generation Chinese language American, agreed that the expectations of being the eldest daughter by no means actually fade — nonetheless shaping her life a long time later.
“Being the first-born daughter meant I took on extra of a secondary parental function,” she advised The Submit.
“I don’t bear in mind having a lot enjoyable. There was a lot strain to carry out and be obtainable for different siblings’ wants.”
She mentioned there may be usually extra strain positioned on firstborn kids by their mother and father, however “girls even have to satisfy extra cultural expectations as effectively,” she mentioned, including that mother-daughter relationships can include rising pains, as daughters are sometimes seen as extensions of their moms — making it tougher to carve out their very own identification.
It’s a dynamic that’s additionally taking part in out in popular culture. Taylor Swift’s 2025 observe “Eldest Daughter” captures the strain in a single chopping line: “Each eldest daughter was the primary lamb to the slaughter.”
The archetype exhibits up on display, too — from “10 Issues I Hate About You” to “Frozen,” “The Starvation Video games,” “Full Home,” “27 Clothes” and “Lilo & Sew” — the place the oldest sister is commonly the one pressured to develop up first, and quickest.
Now with a long time of perspective, Moy mentioned she’d urge fellow eldest daughters to search out their individuals — and “even have some enjoyable” for as soon as — whether or not that’s at Eldest Daughter Membership occasions or past.
“It is necessary for first daughters to search out others to validate our expertise and have some enjoyable.”
For Robinson, a Zoomer, having an area to satisfy up in-person and focus on delivery order trauma fills a niche many eldest daughters didn’t even notice they’d.
“There’s one thing particular about being the one who retains the whole lot collectively — and that’s a heavy factor to hold with out individuals who truly perceive it,” she mentioned.
Tyler Nicole Glenn, 29, of Brooklyn, added that “isolation can result in stress, and it’s necessary for eldest daughters to know they’re not alone of their frustrations.”
It’s additionally not simply about airing out grievances collectively, she emphasised, as having a “strong neighborhood” gives a “platform for us to share accomplishments, as effectively.”
And whereas the tone at Eldest Daughter Membership occasions is commonly gentle, the query beneath isn’t: what occurs whenever you develop up because the household’s default caretaker?
Why does that intuition stick lengthy after you’ve left dwelling?
Specialists say the reply typically comes all the way down to burnout disguised as competence — a sample that may comply with eldest daughters effectively into maturity.
Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor at Harvard Medical College, mentioned the dynamic is well known — even when it doesn’t have a proper analysis.
“Eldest daughters typically fill the function of mentors, mediators and second mother and father and are usually considered extra mature in methods youthful siblings will not be,” she advised The Submit.
That added duty, she defined, generally is a double-edged sword.
“On one hand, it could actually result in elevated maturity, management or organizational abilities — however it could actually additionally reinforce perfectionism, strain round achievement and suppression of 1’s personal wants,” she mentioned.
Over time, these patterns can take a toll. “Lengthy-term, that may contribute to anxiousness or discontent,” Nadkarni added.
A UCLA-led longitudinal examine of mother-child pairs discovered that firstborn daughters uncovered to prenatal misery — in addition to childhood adversity comparable to parental separation, loss, or monetary pressure — have been extra more likely to tackle caregiving roles at dwelling and develop heightened duty at a younger age.
